This is Your April Fool’s Day Bomb Shelter

You will find no pranks in this post; 100% of what I write is true, no matter how fantastical it may seem.

First, and most unrealistically, Alan Shearer has been appointed as manager of Newcastle. This is so unbelievable that I’m still convinced this is a prank by Newcastle.

First, Alan Shearer was an incredible footballer, but he is a mental midget of epic proportions. I can’t wait for him to give a Friday pre-match press conference because the shiat he says is priceless. Second, there are 8 games left in the season. Newcastle don’t need a comedy tour, they need an experienced manager. Third, they tried the messiah thing already this season and it failed… miserably. If they aren’t careful, they are going to run out of Tyneside legends to run this club into the ground.

Wait, what am I saying? I should be happy about this appointment, Newcastle are a pack of c*ntheels who deserve relegation and Alan Shearer will do his level best to ensure this happens. I wonder, if there are two games left in the season and relegation looks inevitable, do you think they’ll fire Shearer and bring someone else in?

The second strange story of the morning is that Kieran Gibbs played 90 minutes for England U20’s… in central midfield.  I’ve seen him play on the wings but never thought he’d make a good central midfielder. Shows you what I know! I don’t want to hear about how you knew he’d be a great central midfielder, because no one, no one (except U20 boss Noel Blake) saw that coming.

The third bizarre story is that Tottenham’s new Naming Rights Stadium is going to have… an ice skating rink. They are building this park around the stadium because they want people to hang out. That makes sense, right? Because when I think of the Tottenham end of Seven Sisters Road, I think “This is a place I’d like to hang out, maybe do a little ice skating.”

And finally, for some reason Robin van Persie is being linked with a move away from Arsenal, and Ivan Gazidis is reassuring supporters that Cesc is staying. The Robin story is very strange. Papers are reporting that he’s waiting to sign a new contract “but only if they (Arsenal) match his ambitions.” The problem is that that’s not what he said, what he actually said is:

Financially Arsenal’s last offer is fine but that isn’t everything for me. It’s about my ambitions and how they can be fulfilled… The club and I want the same and it’s our intention to achieve that. We have all the other factors in place: fantastic stadium, dedicated support and money in the bank. Now it’s about making that final push… It’s difficult to explain but I certainly feel I can play an important role in taking Arsenal to a higher level.

This is a guy who has passion, wants to win, and most importantly wants to help Arsenal win. How does that equate to “van Persie threatening to leave unless Arsenal promise him trophies and rainbows and back rubs?”

As for the Gazidis story, well, what else would he say? “Cesc is leaving?” No. With Real Madrid having a presidential election and obviously willing to spend huge on players  I have no doubt that there will be huge offers tendered, via the Spanish press, in order to try to pry Cesc from Arsenal.

Will he go? Gazidis is confident that he won’t. Cesc has always been quick to kill any rumors of his departure. And I have to believe that he’s not satisfied with just 10 or so games as Arsenal captain. Also, he’s Catalan, if he’s going anywhere it’s Barcelona which means he has a few years before their current central midfield pair fall off in performance and he’s guaranteed first team football. I can’t say he won’t go, but the deck sure seems stacked against it at the moment.

Right, I promised no April Fool’s pranks and in the end I didn’t need to pull any; the real world was so much stranger. See you tomorrow.

Rumor and innuendo prove Arsenal are collapsing

The wheels are surely coming off Arsenal now.  I know because I read it in the Mail; they heard that someone told them that Newcastle have bid £4m for Senderos, which is clear evidence that the rumors they heard that Arsenal are in financial trouble are true which is a rumor that was sparked by the “sacking” of Keith Edelman.  Yes, that’s what they actually reported this morning. But fret not Arsechums, David Dein and Alisher Usmanov can save the club because Dein is a close friend of Arsene Wenger and would handle all of these transfers and Usmanov is so rich that he could actually just purchase a trophy off the shelf.

Meanwhile, Cesc Fabregas is leaving for Real Madrid unless Arsenal win a trophy this season.  Me too; if Arsenal don’t win a trophy I’m changing the name of the blog to “7am jugador” and cashing in all my Arsenal stuff for Real Madrid gear.  Sure, the quotes attributed to Cesc were completely and categorically denied this morning by Cesc but that doesn’t mean they aren’t true!

Sticking with the Mail Online as my main news source I see that Sir Alex Ferguson is prepared to bid for the services of Thierry Henry.  Forget for a moment that Henry has ruled out playing for another Premiership team, that he’s past his prime, and that he has stated that he’s staying in Barcelona, the logic employed by the Mail is impeccable: this story is true because Fergie is known to take chances — like when he took Cantona from Leeds. Air tight logic there.

Of course all of this transfer talk is moot, the Mail also reports, Arsenal have their replacement ready and waiting in the wings: Denilson.  I know this might seem to contradict their earlier article that Arsenal are collapsing but in the Mail newsroom two wildly disparate stories can coexist.  It’s like magic.

Joey Barton Watch

Poor Joey Barton, the Premier League’s most unlucky player, was released from prison today having served 75 days of a six month sentence.  You’ll remember that he was sent to prison, unfairly, for having a man’s face hit his hands in a McDonald’s parking lot after someone had forced him to drink too much.  King Kevin Keegan reacted swiftly to the news that Joey was finally released by saying “I look forward to giving Joey a second, second, second, second chance.  There’s no doubt the lad deserves it.”

And finally…

Malaria?  HA!  That can’t hold Kolo back.  Kolo Toure flexed his biceps and simply squeezed the Malaria parasite out of his body.  Here are some pictures of him in training with the team.  I’m pretty sure that Senderos couldn’t beat Malaria, hell he couldn’t beat octogenarian Sami Hyypia last year, so maybe the rumors of him leaving for BartonKeeganCastle are true.

Man, it’s good to be back!