01
Apr
09

This is Your April Fool’s Day Bomb Shelter

You will find no pranks in this post; 100% of what I write is true, no matter how fantastical it may seem.

First, and most unrealistically, Alan Shearer has been appointed as manager of Newcastle. This is so unbelievable that I’m still convinced this is a prank by Newcastle.

First, Alan Shearer was an incredible footballer, but he is a mental midget of epic proportions. I can’t wait for him to give a Friday pre-match press conference because the shiat he says is priceless. Second, there are 8 games left in the season. Newcastle don’t need a comedy tour, they need an experienced manager. Third, they tried the messiah thing already this season and it failed… miserably. If they aren’t careful, they are going to run out of Tyneside legends to run this club into the ground.

Wait, what am I saying? I should be happy about this appointment, Newcastle are a pack of c*ntheels who deserve relegation and Alan Shearer will do his level best to ensure this happens. I wonder, if there are two games left in the season and relegation looks inevitable, do you think they’ll fire Shearer and bring someone else in?

The second strange story of the morning is that Kieran Gibbs played 90 minutes for England U20’s… in central midfield.  I’ve seen him play on the wings but never thought he’d make a good central midfielder. Shows you what I know! I don’t want to hear about how you knew he’d be a great central midfielder, because no one, no one (except U20 boss Noel Blake) saw that coming.

The third bizarre story is that Tottenham’s new Naming Rights Stadium is going to have… an ice skating rink. They are building this park around the stadium because they want people to hang out. That makes sense, right? Because when I think of the Tottenham end of Seven Sisters Road, I think “This is a place I’d like to hang out, maybe do a little ice skating.”

And finally, for some reason Robin van Persie is being linked with a move away from Arsenal, and Ivan Gazidis is reassuring supporters that Cesc is staying. The Robin story is very strange. Papers are reporting that he’s waiting to sign a new contract “but only if they (Arsenal) match his ambitions.” The problem is that that’s not what he said, what he actually said is:

Financially Arsenal’s last offer is fine but that isn’t everything for me. It’s about my ambitions and how they can be fulfilled… The club and I want the same and it’s our intention to achieve that. We have all the other factors in place: fantastic stadium, dedicated support and money in the bank. Now it’s about making that final push… It’s difficult to explain but I certainly feel I can play an important role in taking Arsenal to a higher level.

This is a guy who has passion, wants to win, and most importantly wants to help Arsenal win. How does that equate to “van Persie threatening to leave unless Arsenal promise him trophies and rainbows and back rubs?”

As for the Gazidis story, well, what else would he say? “Cesc is leaving?” No. With Real Madrid having a presidential election and obviously willing to spend huge on players  I have no doubt that there will be huge offers tendered, via the Spanish press, in order to try to pry Cesc from Arsenal.

Will he go? Gazidis is confident that he won’t. Cesc has always been quick to kill any rumors of his departure. And I have to believe that he’s not satisfied with just 10 or so games as Arsenal captain. Also, he’s Catalan, if he’s going anywhere it’s Barcelona which means he has a few years before their current central midfield pair fall off in performance and he’s guaranteed first team football. I can’t say he won’t go, but the deck sure seems stacked against it at the moment.

Right, I promised no April Fool’s pranks and in the end I didn’t need to pull any; the real world was so much stranger. See you tomorrow.


5 Responses to “This is Your April Fool’s Day Bomb Shelter”


  1. 1 WC
    April 1, 2009 at 10:17 am

    Mike Ashley must have been heavy into the sauce again when he thought Alan Shearer was going to save them from relegation. In any case I wished Spuds and Bolton would follow them, maybe even Citeh too. Yes I realize I’d want a good 5-6 teams in the league to go down all at once because they’re terrible. In any case it’s not surprising that Newcastle are where they are. Half of their recent players are utter garbage and half the current team would have to play better than they are now in order to reach garabage status. Any team with Colocinni as your rock for defense is doomed – if not for Andrade being one of the best defenders in the world before breaking his leg, Depor might have been in Segunda Liga now.

    Good for Gibbs showing a bit of versatility for the U-20s though he’s still a left back at Arsenal.

  2. 2 A. Geordie.
    April 1, 2009 at 11:01 am

    It’s a stunt. An April fool :D

    1). Newcastle United has not commented on Shearer becoming manager.
    2). Manager until the end of the season? One month contract? Think about it. :D

    This is one April fool which may backfire, where Ashley has to take Alan on…

  3. April 1, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    If things go wrong, how’s Ashley going to sack Shearer? Especially if Shearer thinks he should stay. Ashley’s gone and hired the one guy who’s got more influence at the club than him. Silly Ashley.

    Socceroos beat Uzbekistan 2-0. We’re going to the World Cup!

  4. 4 Tim
    April 1, 2009 at 8:40 pm

    Love you Connoly, but you’re nuts! Australia will be luck to beat Samoa 10-0 this year.

  5. 5 Matt
    April 2, 2009 at 6:53 am

    ‘Fantastical’ is such a wonderful word.


Comments are currently closed.

RSS My Google Reader

  • An error has occurred; the feed is probably down. Try again later.

Flickr Photos

A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy..

Avie has this in her room. She's the most #woke person I know.

My house is leaking water and my front door key broke. I think my house is rebelling against me. #FalloutTacoma

More Photos

Twits

Arsenal Community

Arsenal News

Arsenal News

e-soccer
April 2009
M T W T F S S
« Mar   May »
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
27282930  

%d bloggers like this: