Posts Tagged ‘Cock Sandwich

06
Oct
08

I cut myself Arshavin

My neck hurts, my ego hurts, and I just don’t think I can do it any more. I think I have to quit playing competitive football. I don’t mean stop having kick arounds or 5-a-sides, I mean sprinting 100 yards, turning around sprinting another 100 yards only to be beaten by a woman 10 years your younger in front of friends and family. In fact, the only reason to finish out this season would be to exact some type of revenge against the cock sandwiches (the bad kind) who beat us mercilessly yesterday, and if I did that I might “accidentally” hurt someone. No, it’s best if I just hang up my boots and just kick around with the old people on Sundays.

Maybe I can get a job as a local football announcer now that I’ve “retired?” Either that or car salesman.

What a drag it is getting old.

Ugh

Let’s see, what news is there for me to crack jokes about…

The Thomas Rosicky Return Clock seems to be counting in the wrong direction. Now the club is hopeful he’ll return in January and if he suffers any further setbacks? The rumor is that they will rest him for the remainder of the year.

There’s the eye-rolling-story-of-the-year, that somehow Patrick Vieira would return to the EPL and play for Roy Keane at Sunderland. The only way those two are getting within 10 yards of each other is in one of those Celebrity Boxing matches — which I’d pay to see!

One of the funniest things I’ve ever heard: Joe Kinnear’s x-rated rant (Not Safe For Work) as read by some speech reading software. You know, I have access to this kind of software, I wonder what the blog would sound like as read by one of those? Hmmm… I’d need some more colorful language.

Adebayor is tired of waiting for airplanes. No, wait, he’s retiring from international football to concentrate on Arsenal, that’s the ticket. This stunning development means that Arsene will now have three people to work with for the next two weeks: Ade, Denilson, and Almunia.

Finally… The Andrei Arshavin saga continues to play out with the player now completely rejecting a move to Hotspuds. The rumor being spread by his agent is that a “top four” club are going to buy him for $40m. Well, let’s parse this out, shall we? First, his racist ass club are refusing to let him go for less than $40m and they have oil money to back them up so they aren’t going to cave on this demand. I’d argue that that price tag completely rules him out of a transfer to Arsenal, except that Arsene is acting kind of erratically right now. Who knows, maybe Arsenal is interested. Second, Man U is not interested, where would they play him? Third, Liverpool are broke, even if they wanted him they couldn’t raise the money. Fourth, Chelsea seem the likeliest candidates as they have a lunatic Russian in charge who has a proven prediliction for paying over the odds for overrated players. They also have a great love for stocking their bench with all stars, which was basically the Mourinho method of winning 17 League Cups and Charity Shields or whatever it was that Chelsea won: that all star isn’t working, OK, let’s throw on some other all star! It was sheer genius.  I say it’s Chelsea, because only they have the salary to throw around (in the form of debt!) and the $40m (in the form of debt!) to pay his racist ass club, and the desire to stock their bench with the world’s most overrated players.

Anyway, I hope lots of people click on the blog today because I used the word Arshavin, it’s my number one search term, you know.

Until tomorrow, you cock sandwiches (the good kind!)

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02
Oct
08

It’s our little Secret.

I’m not sure how to take being called a cock sandwich (not safe for work) yesterday.

No, I am sure how to take it, like this: HA HA, you obviously have never read the blog! But what I mean is that I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. In the link above it looks like a pretty good thing! If that definition is right, then I would love a cock sandwich right now!

At the same time, saying “I would love a cock sandwich right now” sounds, well, erm, funny. I just can’t get the image of a sandwich full of cocks out of my head — which is something I don’t want. I guess I’ll just have to go back to the happy place that is definition #1 in the link above.  I am a cock sandwich!

Speaking of going to your happy place, future England number 1 and current Arsenal stopper Manuel Almunia is reading a book on how to stay mentally positive. It’s a book called “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne and I could already tell from the title that it was a real cock sandwich (the bad kind). So, I went to my trusty local library (Amazon.com) and looked at some of the reviews — wow, just wow. I literally read the first sentence of the Amazon Official Review of the book and was instantly reminded of my New Age mother. Basically, in “The Secret” Rhonda argues that just positive thinking will get you positive results (like wealth) and that negative thinking will give you HIV. Seriously.

I’m glad that stuff like that is not true, because if you could get disease from negative thinking, I would have contracted ebola from this post alone — imagine what horrific disease I would get from the combined negativity of all my posts.  Christ, they’s have to call it “Tim’s Disease” or something.

Look, goalkeepers are basically the craziest people in the world, most of them are crazier every day than Paul Gascoigne is after a six day bender of cock sandwiches and vodka, so whatever works for Almunia works for me. If it’s a “self help” book from some Aussie charlatain is your tonic, then take it, just keep the sheets clean big guy.

Meanwhile, some of the players who are supposed to be slightly less crazy are talking about telepathic linkups. After the win against Porto, which saw both Adebayor and van Persie score a brace, Adebayor gave a long, rambling interview which included a statement about his “telepathic” link with Robin van Persie. Yeah yeah yeah, telepathic links, alien abductions, crystals hidden under the bed, again, whatever it takes just keep scoring goals big fella.

For me, the only thing that really matter is this little gem from Ade:

Robin is a good player and, if he is fit for the whole season, we have a chance to do something special, that’s for sure

Adebayor is 100% correct, it would be nice IF van Persie could stay fit for a whole season. More than telepathy or positive thinking, judging by the last few years, this squad needs some luck to keep all of our current players healthy. Maybe I should write a book about it.

Well, that’s it you cock sandwiches. I have to go to work and then have a kickaround with the boys tonight, you know, the ones who couldn’t hit a cut shot in a million years — because that’s a once in a lifetime shot!

See you tomorrow.




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