I can exclusively report that Arsenal have confirmed a friendly against Hannover Fist on July 29th. This means that we are less than two months away from the return of real football!
7am kickoff has heard from a reliable source that Zlatan Ibrahimovich is a cunt! My source says that Zlatan said the following about Arsenal:
Just look at Arsenal. They don’t buy the best players, which is sad, very sad for their supporters, they pay a lot of money for a season ticket just to see a junior team. That can’t be fun.
Did Inter even play in Europe last year? Oh wait, they did, and they were knocked out of the competition in the first round, after barely squeaking into the knockout competition, coming in second in their group to Panathinaikos — a Greek team, who don’t even have a league, they play against goats with wine bottles as the ball.
Oh, and Zlatan, we don’t buy the best players, we get them the old fashioned way, we make them.
Speaking of Transfers
There’s no actual transfer news, of course, but rumor has it that Arsenal are on the verge of signing Vermaelen, which you all already know.
Meanwhile, the World’s Least Reliable Newspaper is reporting that AC Milan is wanting to sign one of our children, Adebayor, for £15m. Coincidentally, that offer is exactly £12 for every offside that Adebayor was guilty of this season.
Mean-meanwhile, Arsenal are reportedly closing in on the signature of soon to be rumored (I’m starting it right now) Arsenal player, Lucas Neill. This happened because a) I just made it up and b) he rejected a new offer from West Ham. Arsenal like Neill because he is reportedly 7 months younger than Silvestre, and as Zlatan has pointed out Arsenal are nothing if not a youth team.
On the other hand, it is possible that Arsenal are not in for Lucas Neill and are instead interested in Gary Cahill. Supposedly, this is because Brede Hangeland is refusing our £8m bid. The only problem with this story is that Bolton are asking £20m, which is completely retarded, and I mean that in a very negative way.
Wait, new information has just come in and it seems that Gary Cahill once played for Villa and put in a stunning bicycle kick which relegated one of my least favorite teams in the world, Birmingham City.
£20m is a steal.
Last but not least, stop me if you’ve heard this one…
The USA National team went down 3-1 to Costa Rica in World Cup qualifying. To some people this isn’t funny.