The Ministry of Preposterous Pronouncements

Good morning Kickers, it’s Thursday and apart from some UFIA Cup matches between some of the worst teams in Europe there’s nothing going on. No injury news (thank the Gods), no team news, nothing, just a bunch of footballers who’ve had their say after this week’s action. Given all that I thought I’d try a new column, an occasional column about all the bat-shit insane things that footballers say and believe. Thus, today’s blog is the first ever installment of the “Ministry of Preposterous Pronouncements.”

First up is Arsenal’s future England number one, who, coming off a game in which he let in two goals and was lucky not to let in more, is quoted as saying that the match against Fenerbahce “seemed like a training game” and, he went on “Personally I had a strange feeling, everything seemed much easier than normal in the Champions League.” Maybe this is the lesson he’s learning from that new age book “The Secret:” no matter what happens, stay insanely positive!

My loyal reader knows that I couldn’t possibly write a Ministry of Preposterous Pronouncements and not include something from both David Bentley and Joey Barton, so…

Fresh off a 74 day stay in the Crossbar hotel for brutally beating a stranger on the streets of Liverpool while drunk, ready to make an appearance after serving his 6 match ban for brutally beating his teammate while sober, and 10 months without a drink, Joey Barton is ready to “be a shining beacon for kids who have been in trouble like myself.” Frankly, the repentant Joey was doing just fine until he started talking about being a light unto the world. He was saying all the right things, he seems to be apologetic, truly remorseful for what he’s done, but then he starts talking about how he’s special and he can reach the unreachables because he’s a common thug and the Beckham’s and the Owens’ aren’t. Please, Joey, it was at least partially your ego that got you into this trouble, that would be one of the first things I’d work on if I was you. Trust me, as an American, I know a thing or two about an over-inflated sense of self.

Meanwhile over at Spurs, the once cock-sure David Bentley is suddenly, erm, unsure of what he or any of his teammates are doing.

It’s been shocking. It’s been difficult, especially for me. I wasn’t enjoying it. We’ve not been together; we didn’t know where people were running, what people were doing. But I think we’re slowly starting to get settled.

I love that he’s able to turn Spurs’ team tragedy into an opus on him. You know, all the losing and suckage, it’s been hard on the fans and all, but it’s been real hard on him. He’s not enjoying this period.  I wonder if he is still looking forward to the North London derby in two weeks?

But not to be outdone by one of his brace of overrated Englishmen, Spuds chairman Levy is set to unveil his cunning new plan: fire Comolli and build the biggest stadium in the Coca-Cola Championship! You really think 60,000 people are going to show up to watch your team crash and burn every week? Are there 60,000 people who love to watch a team fail to qualify for Europe and blame it on the lasagna?

Actually, I take it back, more power to them, build a 100,000 seat arena you’ll need it when you finally spring your fiendish plot to “break into the top four.”

Ok, well, see that was an easy blog. I’ll have to take people’s quotes and paste them on here more often!

See you tomorrow.

2 Responses to “The Ministry of Preposterous Pronouncements”

  1. October 23, 2008 at 6:16 am

    I quite like Bentley – he knows he’s a villain in the eyes on many gooners, and he happily plays his part. There’s not a lot of footballers who are willing to take the piss out of themselves like that. Shows a fair bit of self-awareness, I thought.

  2. October 23, 2008 at 7:17 am

    He’s not criticizing himself, he’s doing what Bentley always does: blame everyone around him for his own shortcomings. At Arsenal, it was Wenger’s fault, not the fact that he has/d a gambling problem. Alternately he likes to blame all “the foreigners” who were getting promoted ahead of him while simultaneously admitting that he didn’t try hard enough.

    Is there any wonder why Gazza is his favorite player?

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