I cut myself Arshavin

My neck hurts, my ego hurts, and I just don’t think I can do it any more. I think I have to quit playing competitive football. I don’t mean stop having kick arounds or 5-a-sides, I mean sprinting 100 yards, turning around sprinting another 100 yards only to be beaten by a woman 10 years your younger in front of friends and family. In fact, the only reason to finish out this season would be to exact some type of revenge against the cock sandwiches (the bad kind) who beat us mercilessly yesterday, and if I did that I might “accidentally” hurt someone. No, it’s best if I just hang up my boots and just kick around with the old people on Sundays.

Maybe I can get a job as a local football announcer now that I’ve “retired?” Either that or car salesman.

What a drag it is getting old.


Let’s see, what news is there for me to crack jokes about…

The Thomas Rosicky Return Clock seems to be counting in the wrong direction. Now the club is hopeful he’ll return in January and if he suffers any further setbacks? The rumor is that they will rest him for the remainder of the year.

There’s the eye-rolling-story-of-the-year, that somehow Patrick Vieira would return to the EPL and play for Roy Keane at Sunderland. The only way those two are getting within 10 yards of each other is in one of those Celebrity Boxing matches — which I’d pay to see!

One of the funniest things I’ve ever heard: Joe Kinnear’s x-rated rant (Not Safe For Work) as read by some speech reading software. You know, I have access to this kind of software, I wonder what the blog would sound like as read by one of those? Hmmm… I’d need some more colorful language.

Adebayor is tired of waiting for airplanes. No, wait, he’s retiring from international football to concentrate on Arsenal, that’s the ticket. This stunning development means that Arsene will now have three people to work with for the next two weeks: Ade, Denilson, and Almunia.

Finally… The Andrei Arshavin saga continues to play out with the player now completely rejecting a move to Hotspuds. The rumor being spread by his agent is that a “top four” club are going to buy him for $40m. Well, let’s parse this out, shall we? First, his racist ass club are refusing to let him go for less than $40m and they have oil money to back them up so they aren’t going to cave on this demand. I’d argue that that price tag completely rules him out of a transfer to Arsenal, except that Arsene is acting kind of erratically right now. Who knows, maybe Arsenal is interested. Second, Man U is not interested, where would they play him? Third, Liverpool are broke, even if they wanted him they couldn’t raise the money. Fourth, Chelsea seem the likeliest candidates as they have a lunatic Russian in charge who has a proven prediliction for paying over the odds for overrated players. They also have a great love for stocking their bench with all stars, which was basically the Mourinho method of winning 17 League Cups and Charity Shields or whatever it was that Chelsea won: that all star isn’t working, OK, let’s throw on some other all star! It was sheer genius.  I say it’s Chelsea, because only they have the salary to throw around (in the form of debt!) and the $40m (in the form of debt!) to pay his racist ass club, and the desire to stock their bench with the world’s most overrated players.

Anyway, I hope lots of people click on the blog today because I used the word Arshavin, it’s my number one search term, you know.

Until tomorrow, you cock sandwiches (the good kind!)

6 Responses to “I cut myself Arshavin”

  1. 1 Anonymous
    October 6, 2008 at 8:43 am

    ur gay

  2. October 6, 2008 at 9:14 am


  3. October 6, 2008 at 9:33 am

    Anon really has it in for you, doesn’t he? Mind you, he does read at a phenominal rate – it took me at least a couple of minutes to read your post. Too bad he can’t type at the same rate…

    Arshavin to Man City? They have the money and the madness, but Mark Hughes probably wants someone a bit stronger. Maybe, but I think his star’s fallen since the end of the Euros. He was right in that that was probably the best chance he’ll get to play for a big, big club.

    Maybe Wenger should bite the bullet and make Cesc captain. If he’s the social director of the club, he might as well toss a coin before the match as well. And at least we can count on him to make an effort every match. And Ade’s going on a prolonged strike, not retirement. Togo FA is poorly run – remember how Ade went on strike last time becaus the FA wouldn’t pay the players bonuses for the African Cup of Nations?

  4. October 6, 2008 at 9:41 am

    Serves you right for searching for Arshavin to quell your homogay lust for the man, mr anon.

    Connolly, I’ve wanted Cesc to be the captain since the off season and, of course, Wenger dismissed it today with “we already have a captain and he’s too young.” Sigh.

  5. 5 T-town Alex
    October 6, 2008 at 10:16 am

    Comment on the post from yesterday: Folks, the team is doing fine. We play as well as we can, and getting better all the time. Don’t be silly. The results of the Hull game and the Sunderland game were because for two weeks in a row, somebody scored a goal of a lifetime. This is not going to happen everyweek. And the Sunderland game especially, is almost a victory when you score in extra time to tie. Trust me, I do see a trend at this club. We are going in the right direction.
    Tim – on another note – we got a very fun 4 on 4 Sunday. Whenever you want to retire from Doyles FC, there will be a spot for you as defensive midfielder on my team ;-)

  6. 6 James
    October 7, 2008 at 2:02 am

    I’m not as disappointed as I thought I would be, to be honest.

    Maybe because reality had set in following the Hull result, that we still aren’t ready to win the title, so I suppose, in the context of getting a top four finish, a point at Sunderland isn’t a terrible result.

    As for the game itself….

    I can understand why we started with a 4-5-1, because as Wenger said in interview, he expected Sunderland to attack more. As it was, they sat back and defending well… so the question must be, why didn’t we change back to 4-4-2 and play RvP in the middle again? he’s never going to have an influence on the game from wide left, because he’s all left foot… so to stick with Ade as a lone striker, even when up against a defensive wall of 10, I found rather odd… but, Wenger is hardly one for tactical changes, is he

    Anyway, Everton at home next. I think perhaps we should stop searching for the ManUre and Chelsea results from now on, and start concerning ourselves with the results of Villa and Citeh…. as I fear, we may be getting dragged into a battle for 4th this season.

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