“It doesn’t happen in America.”

Mmmmm… coffee.  I live near Seattle (a city called Tacoma) and it’s state law that we Washingtonians drink at least 5 cups of coffee per day.  I’m just enjoying my second cup.  Ahhh.  Hey, also, in case you’re curious coffee has been shown to protect your liver from alcoholic cirrhosis. So, drink up!

Sorry, this is an Arsenal blog right?

Lessee, internationals week gives us the following wonderous news stories for today: the Daily Mirror is reporting that Theo Walcott may get the start in tomorrow’s match against the Andorians. If that happens then Theo will get a start over 7am Kickoff’s ubiquitous whipping boy David “the gambler” Bentley. So, I’m rooting for that. I’m also hoping that the Andorians are banned from using their telepathic antennae this time. Last time it nearly resulted in a full scale England riot.

Welsh international Aaron Ramsey may also get a start against Azerbaijan. Or he might not. “Experience” is the buzzword in that article and I suppose that if you’re going to blood the kid, do it against the 138th ranked world team in a pointless international friendly. Unless you lose that match and he has a horrible game, in which case, OH GOD DON’T PLAY HIM!! I’m sure he’ll be fine, he’s a great talent and did really well in the pre-season run up, so I’d give him a go.

That’s it for Arsenal news today, yawn.  

In non-Arsenal news stories that I love to follow, Joey Barton’s got a date today, a date with a magistrate, and I hope he gets a nice lengthy ban with a warning that any more bad behaviour and he’s going to get a permanent ban.  Sadly, I don’t think the FA have the balls to really stick it to Joey and he’ll probably get some paltry 3-8 match ban for an unprovoked beating on his teammate. I wasn’t even going to report this story though because it’s not really news, until I read that he’s up to some of his old tricks again. This time, poor Joey Barton was “so afraid” of the press that he slowly drove through down town Newcastle, using the bus lane and ran a red light to get away from them. Or maybe he just really needed a Big Mac? He only ever seems to commit crimes when a Big Mac is on the line.

His agent put it into perspective for us

Why are they following him? It is a disgrace. What would you do if people followed you in a car? What is the guy meant to do? He doesn’t know who is in the car, does he?

You know that’s the exact same excuse that got him off in May for a March attack on a taxi cab that reportedly refused to take him to the McDonald’s drive through. “I was scared,” and “I wanted to get to safety.” It’s not like you live in Bagdhad, Joey. It’s England… yes there’s violent crime in England. Yes, Footballers get held up. But, it’s also broad daylight and if you’re afraid, go pull into a police station.

All that said, it’s still a non-news story; so what if arrogant rich guy breaks some traffic laws? That happens all the time: he’s late, he can afford the fine, it’s only a moving violation, etc. It’s not something serious, like beating up a teammate in an unprovoked attack.

It’s what the agent said last that really made me laugh.

Who do these people think they are to hound people for a story for a newspaper? It doesn’t happen in America.

What doesn’t happen in America? Celebrities hounded by the press? Bad boy celebrities hounded by the press? What? What kind of drugs is his agent on? That’s like America’s forte for Christ’s sake. We’re the world’s leaders in following around untalented people who have serious emotional problems and rampant substance abuse issues. How do you think Paris Hilton got famous? Britney Spears? It certainly wasn’t talent.

And while we’re on the subject of what would happen in America to Joey Barton, I firmly believe that if a player attacked a teammate in the way Joey did, he’d be looking at a one year ban from the sport. During that year he would then be hounded relentlessly by the press, hoping that they could catch him doing something stupid like using an HOV lane and running a red light because he’s late for his parole hearing.

“It doesn’t happen in America” my ass.


4 Responses to ““It doesn’t happen in America.””

  1. 1 kwame
    September 5, 2008 at 6:38 am

    dude, u r hilarious, man.

  2. 2 b mee
    September 5, 2008 at 8:31 am

    And who said Irony was dead in the States, good read.

  3. 3 CaribKid
    September 5, 2008 at 2:20 pm

    Barton got a 6 game suspension. Thought it would have been a lot more.

  4. 4 jokingcoyote
    September 7, 2008 at 12:05 pm

    joey barton should have been banned for life first by the fa and then fifa for bringing the game into disrepute and sued by newcastle united for every penny he made from them.

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